


It's Cool

by Liam Varrel (nordicAdvisor)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Sadstuck, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-27
Updated: 2012-08-27
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nordicAdvisor/pseuds/Liam%20Varrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider and you have royally fucked up once again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Cool

_What if I lead a different life,_

_Would you stay, stay?_

_What if you could only speak the truth,_

_What would you say, say?_

 

Your name is Dave Strider and you think you might be losing your shit. But secretly of course. You stared at the moment before yourself. Your group had finally caught up with John and Jade, the asteroid now floating very close to the golden ship as they both were propelled towards the new session. Jade had been surprised to see that your party of trolls and two humans on a space rock had caught up to herself and John quicker than she had predicted. You shrugged it off as Sollux just having some swag powers mixed in with those telekinetic ones that allowed all of you to arrive fashionably early. Now everyone was getting to know everyone else because Jade's crazy powers were making it so that each craft flew at the same speed and made it so that the asteroid was basically docking with the ship.

John had, of course, floated over and waved at you and Rose. He was so happy to see both of your god tiers and faces up close and personal. But then he went to talk with the trolls. And he discovered Karkat and they had instantly hit it off. If that was even possible for the shouting asshole alien. It was more than likely due, you think, to John's idiocy poking through the surface with the bucket fiasco. But you were cool, it was all cool. Your thoughts drifted to your brother and the scene of the crime that held his body in a constant lock in your mind. You were cool because that's what he wanted, would have wanted. But fuck if you didn't feel a tang of... Was that jealousy? No, of course it wasn't because it was cool. You were cool. Calm, collected, no emotions Dave Strider. That was you. But something nagged, and it nagged and pulled and was generally an annoying prick every time you looked towards John.

 

And it brought a regret back to the surface of your thinking.

 

_Time doesn't wait for anyone!_

_There is a part in every day_

_When I lie to myself_

_And say that it's okay._

_Cuz if I don't I think I'll go insane!_

_But the truth is_

_I only have myself to blame._

 

You had just started the game and you were flipping your shit. But John was there, he was talking with you. You enjoyed the bit of company as you tried to calm your nerves as to what just happened. So you almost died by a giant fucking meteor to your apartment complex. So Lil Cal was laying on the ground pretty much ruined. So you now had a feathery asshole for a... What did John call it? A kernalsprite? Well whatever the hell it was, it was annoying and had a sword through it. You had to figure something else out soon or else you were going to just kill yourself there. But John, focus on John. He got you through the ordeal and many like it afterward.

You're now on your planet and it's pretty fucking awesome. Clockwork and lava everywhere. It wasn't so bad. And you were talking with John, again. Which was also nice because hey, he's your best bro and best bros like talking with each other. Though you can't help but feel like you should say something. Ever since you had first become friends with this bubbly dork you had felt something tug at your mind. An enjoyable sensation that you soon learned from your Bro was a crush. But it was for Egbert. Which was wrong. Because that would make you gay. Which you're not. So you started up a conversation about it.

You both talked about it, how it should be handled and that you don't think you were really gay but that you were just, you know, mixing best bro-ness with romance. You liked chicks. Jade was really fucking fun to talk with and you think you might really have a crush on her. John seemed to take that a bit bad? You weren't sure really. It seemed like it, but you don't think that was the case. He laughed it off and made a couple jokes, but he agreed with you and you were thankful for that. You were fine, your relationship with John was fine, everything was fine. But then your Bro died, correction, was killed. And things seemed to sort of fall apart there.

You started to come to terms with your thoughts of John and yourself together in the gayest ways possible. Holding hands, kissing him, sloppy makeouts with him. Other... Things. You usually shoved anything past holding hands from your mind. You were NOT GAY. You knew this and besides, John is apparently not a homosexual. Which is cool. It's totally dandy. Fucking awesome. Because you aren't either. Too bad for Karkat, he'll just have to keep bitching about how his girlfriend totally wants your ass and maybe you tried to distract yourself by playing along with it? And maybe you tried to put the Strider moves on Harley a little? You didn't really like thinking about it too much. You just knew that you had ended your thoughts then and there, when you had heard from Karkat after teasing him for the nth time that John was, in fact, not a homo. Cool. Totally. Fucking. Cool.

You decided to ignore completely the pain in your chest and the shallow breaths that you now took as your teeth clenched. Nerves was all. Your Bro had just died, it was kind of a big fucking deal. You wanted revenge. Yeah. So you distracted yourself with that for awhile. Thinking of ways you could pound down Jack Shit.

 

TG: so youre not a homo huh

TG: guess that sucks for karkat huh

TG: howd it feel to break his heart

EB: dave! stop it... i don't really like talking about it, okay?

EB: i didn't mean for him to fall for me! how could i have known he was all

EB: flushed or whatever it was he called it.

TG: im just messin with you man

TG: calm your shit its cool

EB: yeah okay sorry

EB: it's just...

EB: well nevermind rose is pestering me about stuff so i'll talk to you later, okay?

TG: yeah sure thing man go for it

TG: tell her to stop analyzing everything and to just fuckin

TG: sit down and knit or something

EB: uh okay? hehehe are you okay, dave? cuz that was really bad

TG: yeah im just peachy keen

TG: talk to you later egderp

 

And that was that, you didn't say anything more on the matter. Ever. Which brings us rushing back to your conflicting feelings right now. Floating in space while hurdling at a window and all that other shit.

 

_Explain to me_

_How you're so damn naïve,_

_Think I don't see, see._

_Forget what I said_

_You're only good in bed_

_Or on your knees, knees._

 

John was talking with Karkat a bunch now but you distracted yourself from this by talking with Terezi. You had talked to her about your Bro's death after the chat with Egbert that left you feeling more empty than when you started it. But no it didn't, because that would imply that proving he wasn't a homosexual made you upset and sad. And it didn't. Of course it didn't. Terezi was a crazy troll though. You swear. You barely listened to her rattle on about justice and all that other court room bullshit, mainly just staring off at John and Karkat because you knew something was gonna go wrong with that. Your shades shielded your reputation from being destroyed because no one could see you looking over at the blue boy and the angry, arm-flailing troll.

And then something did go wrong. Karkat kissed John. But that wasn't the worst of it. John kissed back. You violently stood up, nearly knocking Terezi off her sitting spot on a random rock and making all the others whip their heads over at you. Your face was empty of anything, but in your head you were screaming. But why? Why did this bother you? Why did you let it? You weren't “flushed” for John or any shit like that. But then Karkat blushed and John pet his hair and blushed too and they walked off to the troll's room. Holding hands. You grit your teeth but kept your lips closed, your jaw just barely showing off its tension. But that didn't blow your cover. What blew your cover was when you turned sharply on your heel and slammed your fist into the nearest wall.

It was metal and your hand was, as far as you could tell, very close to being broken. Your knuckles had split right then and left a small smear of blood on the dent left there. The noise it had caused made everyone flinch, but you barely heard it over the incessant inner screaming of your thoughts and rage. And sadness. You couldn't hide it anymore, your heart was breaking and it really fucking sucked, and hurt worse than losing your Bro.

You were alone in an empty room you had found within the hunk of rock. You hadn't let anyone come near you, not that would have tried anyway with the aura you were certainly giving off. You stormed to find a room and held back the most uncool thing you had ever done until you had locked the door behind you. You broke down. You ripped your glasses off and threw them to the ground, hearing them click as they bounced off the tile. You fell to the ground, thankful for the metal structure keeping most of the sound in this room as you screamed out your frustration. You had loved John. But you couldn't have because he wasn't gay and you weren't either. But here you were, tears running from your angry sad eyes and your whole body shaking and trembling as you swear you heard your heart breaking in half. How could this have happened? Because you were an idiot. You could have told John the truth, you could have accepted the truth. But you didn't. You didn't and now you were paying for it. But you wouldn't accept that right now. You screamed profanities at John and at Karkat. You rose up and punched at the walls, the dresser, the bed, anything that you could punch at you did. The tears were still streaming when you sank to the floor, defeated and knuckles cut open more than they probably should be. You hated John and Karkat, you whispered your curses and lies about them now, your voice far too racked and painful to do much more. The tears fell harder as you realized something.

 

You didn't mean any of the words you said.

 

_Time doesn't wait for anyone!_

_There is a part in every day_

_When I lie to myself_

_And say that it's okay._

_Cuz if I don't I think I'll go insane!_

_But the truth is_

_I only have myself to blame._

 

It felt like eternities passed by as you whispered and screamed, and being the newly acclaimed Knight of Time you were sure that it was. It had subsided now, though. You looked to the digital clock near the bed. Only a few minutes had passed. The room was left hollow and empty, all the life and energy seeped out of it by your screams and mood. Your cool was definitely broken. You felt sick to your stomach; so many years of keeping everything under control and then to just lose it like that. You didn't feel like yourself as you stared at your own bloodied knuckles, shaking and panting a bit. You weren't a Strider right now, were you? No, you weren't. You didn't deserve to know that name, to have had a brother and guardian like Bro. You grit your teeth a bit, ashamed of yourself. You felt absolutely sickening and dirty. You needed a shower. So you threw your god tier outfit on the bed, looking at it for a long time. Your poker face was already snapped back into place, where it belonged. So much for being a knight when you couldn't even really protect yourself, huh? Or maybe that was the ultimate irony. You sighed and thanked whoever built this hunk of scrap for having the showers be apart of the rooms.

As the hot water rolled over you and your lungs filled with the hazy steam in a deep intake of air, you could understand why Dirk always took such long showers. It was calming to just stand there, your face as stoic as ever, as the water rushed over you. Your nerves were set alight with the small sting of just too hot water. But you sort of wanted to feel a bit of a burn. It helped even out the hollow feeling you felt now. Your eyes stared at nothing in particular, suddenly feeling just how red and different they were. But Rose's were sort of the same. She had straight up PINK eyes. You cracked a small smile for a millisecond as you made a small joke in your head. At least that meant you'd be fine in a couple days. Or so it seemed like.

You finished your shower and exited the bathroom. You were alone in this room with the door locked so you used the only towel to dry your head off as you walked over to the bed. Sitting down, you found the covers and mattress surprisingly soft. With a poof of air, you were laying down, staring at the ceiling. The towel had been dropped before you went to lay down and you could still feel its humid heat with the foot lazily placed nearby it. Dave Strider, homosexual and idiot of all time. But it was okay. It was always okay because you were always cool. This wasn't a big deal. You didn't do that bad (just made the greatest mistake of your lived life). You could move on from this. The thoughts spun around your head a bit for a while as you just let yourself stare at the boring, slate like ceiling. The Strider way was once again looking to be the only way. It's cool. Tell yourself that everyday and it's bound to be true at some point, right? Another sigh escaped but you called it a shitty yawn this time.

 

And then you heard the frantic knocking on the door.

 

_Time doesn't wait for anyone!_

_There is a part in every day_

_When I lie to myself_

_And say that it's okay._

_Cuz if I don't I think I'll go insane_

_But the truth is_

_I only have myself to blame_

 

“Dave?! Dave! Open the door, c'mon man! Dave!!!” That dorky voice. The high pitch to the last call of your name to just break your heart a little more. It was John. And he was severely worried about you. You sit up and lift yourself off your bed, staring at the door for a second more. Or maybe it was a bit longer than that.

“Okay, okay. I'm coming.” You saunter over to the door and open it. After the thing swooshes open you're engulfed in a hug. You knew this was a bad idea. You slowly peel the blue-clothed boy off of yourself. “Jesus, John. It's not like I died or anything.” That seemed to be the wrong thing to say because he's now staring up at you (you had grown taller than him, something you joked about for a bit.) with a look of adorkable anger.

“How the hell were we supposed to know that?! You haven't stepped out of your room for two days!” This caught you a bit off guard. Had it really been that long? You think back to the blur that was your screaming and yelling. You didn't want to remember that bit of your life, it was a complete let down to the Strider name and you weren't proud of it at all.

Figuring that you had spent a full day yelling and punching things, you shrug off the statement. “Well, my bad. I've just been really fuckin' busy is all.” You internally cringe at the poor excuse. You were weak right now and no one deserved to see that. Especially not John. He catches your lie, just like he always does. He's always been able to read you like open book you wished you were. It was part of the reason you fell so fucking hard for him.

“Bullshit, Dave. You're in a room on a meteor, what the hell could you be busy with.” You can see he's upset and your heart breaks a little more. Not so much because you made him upset, but because he won't go to you for comfort. He'll go to Vantas. He'll cuddle up with the loud idiot and just let out all the feelings and concerns he has for you and then Vantas will cuddle him back. He'll pet his hair, and rub his back. He'll tell him that everything will be okay and that you just need time. Time. You've felt like you've had enough of time and it's cruel way of doing things.

“Listen, Egbert, I'm fine. Just... Go off and cuddle with Vantas or whatever. It's cool. Don't worry about anything.” Your words stung more than they should have, of course, since they stung you they also stung Egbert even worse.

“Dave, no. I'm your best bro, tell me what's up! You've always been able to tell me what's wrong!” He's getting a bit desperate, you can tell. You are too. And then John looks down. “Dave! Holy shit, what happened to your hands!” You had forgotten about those, the cuts on your knuckles from punching the walls. Looking down you see they've gone purple and black as well, bruises. Maybe you had almost broken a bone. You quickly clench your jaw but it's too late. Goodbye awesome Strider reputation, hello Pussyville.

You end up ripping your shades off, showing your tale-tell eyes and the water that's starting to blur your vision. “Fine, you want to know what's so wrong? Why don't you just step back and think a bit!? Look at your actions. Shit, look at mine!” Your words are wavering and your voice is cracking again already. Instinct takes over and your emotions shut down, you shrink both in real life and in your head. You're standing in front of a now slightly terrified John. A god. Who ever heard of a scared god. “It's cool, John. Just... Don't worry about it.” You couldn't bring yourself to tell him, not even know when you've lost him forever. You couldn't say those three words that mean the world to some people. Some people including you. Thinking back, you feel maybe you could never say those words. Maybe it was Bro's fault, maybe it was your own but never in your life have you ever said those words. I love you. Your brow furrows and the tears start to fall as your poker face simply shatters under all the pressure and weight of your emotions. You quickly slam your hand against the door button, a dull pain running up your arm. You fall to your knees, utterly defeated. You hear him breathing outside your door, you wonder if he's crying as well. You said the utmost wrong things to him, the kid has so much pressure on him being a leader and a friend at the same time. Then the footsteps start. He leaves your door behind as you silent sob and curl up, bringing your knees to your chest and watching your wicked, painful tears fall to the floor.

 

Look at what Dave Strider has become. A messy pile of wimp all because he had to go and fall in love with the hero and he couldn't even find the strength to make the Heir his own.

 

_There is a part in every day_

_When I lie to myself_

_And say that it's okay..._

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction. I wanted to do a songfic because I've always loved scenes that play out before you, either in a movie theater or within your head, that go along with music. This song specifically is It's Okay by The Spill Canvas. Hope you enjoyed reading it!


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